9/12/2005 - Slap's All Around

I’m going to tell you two stories. For me, these are interesting memories. They are when I was most afraid I was going to die, for various reasons. I honestly thought my life was over on both of these occasions… and strangely enough, these stories are quite similar. Both involve females, and ahem… female parts. Don’t read on if you might be offended even though these aren’t (in my opinion) offensive.

First story is the most recent. My roommate and I met with a girl to go to this big church fair thing at school. Normally, I’m not into that sort of thing, but that’s where they were serving dinner, so we went. We manage to get to the food line only having been forced into 4 newsletters, 2 overseas rescue missions, and a cult. We get in line; I’m in front, with my roommate Sam behind me, and the girl we were with behind him. I turn around to thump my roommate on the chest. It’s kind of a guy greeting, we’ve been doing it a lot in VO this year. Except when I turn around, it’s not my roommate. It is most certainly the girl.

Now, everyone who reads my list is over 18 (I think). So I’m assuming that most of you understand that while it is okay to thump a guy on the chest, it is most certainly not okay to thump a girl on the chest, especially if you’re a guy. My life has just flashed before my eyes. I stutter and stammer, and begin wondering if I can outrun her. Thankfully, I was able to articulate the mistake before she ripped me in half, and we had a good laugh about it. She gave me permission to write about it here even.

The second story is quite similar, except it’s not my fault I almost died. I was working with another girl at Food Services, known in future newsletters as FS, or Free Slaves. We were working next to each other, wiping down one of the food lines. One girl walks from my side, behind us both, and slaps the other girl on her bottom. Turns out later that the slapper was friends with the slappee. The Slappee looks in my direction. There is absolutely no one else in the cafeteria. The Slappee apparently has magic powers. She grew about five feet higher, and her voice went real deep. “How dare you…” Her hand went up to slap me, but thankfully it never came down. It was either the fact that the slapper stopped her and explained it was her that did the slapping, or my groveling in fear on the ground.

Andy's Policy
© Copyright 2005 Andy Szymas